Generated by All in One SEO v5.0.1.1, this is an llms.txt file, used by LLMs to index the site. # Coffee, Cults, and Empires An "Actual" Play Podcast ## Sitemaps - [XML Sitemap](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/sitemap.xml): Contains all public & indexable URLs for this website. ## Posts - [Episode 039 - Y'all Wanna Do This Again the Next Time the World Ends?](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2026/05/17/episode-039/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube Okay, part 2 of 2 of the finale! As in, the last one! - [Episode 038 - Sorta the Beginning or Middle of the End?](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2026/05/03/episode-038/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube Yes, this is the finale episode... but part 1! - [Episode 037 - Demanding Answers](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2026/04/19/episode-037/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube There's another voicemail from the Boss, and this one is even more upsetting. Things are getting weird in the world, but they resolve to go ahead and play since they can't do anything about it. The crew faces Achhiut, who is not Amtonit. - [Episode 036 - The Weirdest Battle I've Been In](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2026/04/05/episode-036/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The Intern has a system for not being so sleepy, but someone keeps making noises at night waking him up. We learn more about Tanam's relationship with coffee. The crew reviews the evidence and actually sorta takes action? - [Episode 035 - Not Technically a Trap](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2026/03/22/episode-035/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube A very tired Intern is still sleeping on the floor. The crew is more determined than ever. Vafrus has Calumn try something that he's never done. - [Episode 034 - Double Breakfast and Other Things in Our Way](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2026/03/08/episode-034/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The Intern is still on the floor. Vafrus tells us some Calumn lore. Double breakfast looms, but it is only the first of many challenges. - [Episode 033 - Nope Seems like the Way to Nope](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2026/02/22/episode-033/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The Boss calls with some worrisome news. The crew works together to cushion the sudden arrival of Tagak and Teep. - [Episode 032 - Take That, Thistleroot!](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2026/02/08/episode-032/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The Intern complains about how long it takes the crew to do anything at all. The crew demonstrates this, by taking forever to do a thing, but it's about the friends you made along the way, right? - [Episode 031 - Ill Gotten Gongs](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2026/01/25/episode-031/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The Boss doesn't think that Ikky's should be talked about any longer. The crew visits one of Urekas's cult hideouts. - [Episode 030 - They Don't Teach Klaoil History in Jersioil](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2026/01/11/episode-030/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The Intern wants to travel by catapult. Don accidentally reveals some things about himself. Urekas leads the party through Klaoil. - [Episode 029 - I Want My Bell Back](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/12/28/episode-029/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube Has Rosie finally decided to leave the world alone? Hopefully! In the game, the crew gets a vision from the ritual they did and they are... a little displeased. - [Episode 028 - Chanting Changed My Life](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/12/14/episode-028/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube In the lab, the Intern has noticed that... nothing has changed? The crew is hanging out in the hotel after finding out all of the Second’s secrets, getting ready to do the ritual. - [Episode 027 - Dropped Beans and Mind Control Truthers](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/11/30/episode-027/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The Intern maybe broke something. Rozafeen has a lemon drop. In the game, it's time to spy on Beeb. - [Episode 026 - Of Mirrors and Cuddle Brigades](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/11/16/episode-026/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The Intern thinks that whoever designed the chronoscope is probably kinda like Don. In the game, we switch over to Hellena and Georg's investigation into the hidden cellar near the Second's second house, and we check back in on Urekas's date with the Mindlord. - [Episode 025 - A Handful of Chocolate](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/11/02/episode-025/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The Intern's Boss tells us about the crimes of Hannah Smith-Jones-Miller. Don is sick, but still here. Urekas is going on a date with the Mindlord and Calumn decides it will be a great idea to tag along. - [Episode 024 - Finally Something Useful](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/10/19/episode-024/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The Intern has learned that some previous scientist incarnated a bunch to rate various coffees in the world. Urekas hits the Second with her headboard hat... hilarity ensues. - [Episode 023 - Sus and Bothered](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/10/05/episode-023/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The Intern reasonably thinks that the Second is sus. Rozafeen is sick with Olhana's Touch, but hopefully learning what Hellena found with her very good roll will help her feel better. - [Episode 022 - Breaking and Eventually Entering](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/09/21/episode-022/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The Intern is rushed but helpfully lets us know that Vafrus's “imaginary” girlfriend isn't. The crew decides what to do with the time before Urekas's date. - [Episode 021 - With Birds As My Witness](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/09/07/episode-021/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The Intern has learned about Intern-focused cults, but it couldn't have been him who inspired them. In the game, Hellena and Urekas are helping Tagak and Teep get out of town. - [Episode 020 - Helping](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/08/24/episode-020/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube No news is certainly good news when it comes to Rosie from accounting. Georg and Ruffort head over to help Beeb and Urekas and Hellena head over to help Tagak and Teep. Who will be more successful in their task? - [Episode 019 - Something Something Coming Home to Roost](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/08/10/episode-019/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The Intern is back on his chronoscope grind. The crew is still trying to figure out what they're going to do about the knock on the door. - [Episode 018 - Surprises](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/07/27/episode-018/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube Harmony has a surprise for everyone that the Intern is excited about, and then Urekas has a surprise, too! - [Episode 017 - Somebody Should Check on That](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/07/13/episode-017/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The Intern mostly just wants to talk about Harmony and Don. The crew tries to figure out what to do now that the Sorceress is probably coming for them. - [Episode 016 - Pancakes at Night](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/06/29/episode-016/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The Boss is concerned about how the party treats Beeb. Despite Beeb not even being in the episode, the party still manages to treat Beeb poorly. A well-kept secret from Harmony and Don's past is revealed. - [Episode 015 - Rocks, Camels, and Levels](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/06/15/episode-015/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The Intern explains how they're not quite playing the D&D we know. While traveling back to the Great Hall through the desert, the crew levels up. - [Episode 014 - Leaving the Frame](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/06/01/episode-014/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The group got together at Don's in Klaoil and the Intern is feeling a bit of FOMO about it. In the game, the crew makes a turn to full robbery. - [Episode 013 - In the Sorceress's Boudoir ](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/05/18/episode-013/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The Intern gets to use the chronoscope and uses it to investigate hot rocks. Harmony and Don invite everyone to Klaoil. The crew investigates the Sorceress's bedroom, starting with the weird door. - [Episode 012 - Loot!](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/05/04/episode-012/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The Intern's Boss has left… a voicemail? Having defeated the Sorceress, the crew "investigates" the tower. - [Episode 011 - Suggestive](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/04/20/episode-011/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube Reminder that we're publishing every other week now: once a fortnight. Please enjoy this episode and then enjoy the next one in two weeks! The Intern experiments with a different genre of intro. Urekas has been Suggested away from the brewing battle by the Sorceress! - [Episode 010 - At The Sorceress's Table](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/04/06/episode-010/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube Reminder that we're publishing fortnightly, now. Next episode will be released Sunday April 20th, 2025. The Intern talks about cool tech from world 62C. Harmony has a bath, Vafrus does some magic, and Rozafeen can't log on. The crew has joined the Sorceress at her magic table, certainly everything will - [Episode 009 - Piles of Rocks, Small, Medium, and Large](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/03/30/episode-009/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The Intern has heard rumors that "Rosie from accounting" is to blame for the world possibly getting cancelled. It's Beantern Day in the world! Unrelatedly, Tanam has a second glaze just for showing maps, like of what the crew finds in the desert...NOTE: We'll be releasing every other week starting - [Episode 008 - Lizard Country](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/03/23/episode-008/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The Intern has been doing research on the historical Urekas. Vafrus totally has a very real girlfriend. In the game, the crew deals with some lizards. - [Episode 007 - Don't Think of Anything Incriminating](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/03/16/episode-007/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube What's that? Actual work for the Intern?! Also, Don is still a magic-denier, and Urekas has a date with the Mindlord. - [Episode 006 - Caught by the Mindlord](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/03/09/episode-006/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The Intern starts to explore why the world worships him as a god. Tanam explains his extremely funny jokes. The party, caught by the Mindlord, have some explaining to do. - [Episode 005 - Striking, Slapping, and Investigating](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/03/02/episode-005/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube When the Intern is fired, the whole experiment world goes on strike. The crew does some actual investigation! - [Episode 004 - The Case of the Wormy Apple](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/02/23/episode-004/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The Intern searches for clues in unusual places. The crew goes to get breakfast. - [Episode 003 - Snacks, Sheets, and Lies](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/02/16/episode-003/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube The management at the lab is having a closed door meeting, probably about the Intern. The party is offered a job and totally gets right to work. - [Episode 002 - Finishing What's Started](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/02/09/episode-002/) - Transcript - Join our Patreon! - Video on YouTube There's been a security leak in the lab! In the game, the party resumes their fight against the invading spiders. - [Episode 001 - Guests at the Hall](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/02/01/episode-001-guests-at-the-hall/) - Transcript - Video episode on YouTube The Intern introduces himself and the podcast from the supply closet. Our players begin their adventure at the Great World Gambling Hall of Mirrors. - [Trailer](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/2025/01/08/trailer/) - Download Audio. Read transcript. Episodes post on Sundays, starting on February 2nd, 2025. ## Pages - [Transcripts](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/transcripts/) - Each transcript is linked from the individual episode, but also here for easy access. Episode 000 - Trailer Episode 001 - Guests at the Hall Episode 002 - Finishing What’s Started Episode 003 – Snacks, Sheets, and Lies Episode 004 – The Case of the Wormy Apple Episode 005 – Striking, Slapping, and Investigating Episode - [About](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/about/) - Coffee, Cults, and Empires This is a story-within-a-story-within-a-story. Like one of those nesting dolls if the dolls were improvised and funnier. No offense to nesting dolls. The show's core is a D&D actual play podcast about four adventurers (five, if you include Justice the cheetah, and really, it's safer to do so) hired to investigate - [Privacy Policy](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/privacy-policy/) - Who we are Our website address is: https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com. Cookies If you visit our login page, we will set a temporary cookie to determine if your browser accepts cookies. This cookie contains no personal data and is discarded when you close your browser. When you log in, we will also set up several cookies to save - [Characters](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/characters/) - Urekas Professor Harmony is playing as Urekas: A famous bard who serves as the namesake for towns and festivals, but we’re not quite sure what she’s actually accomplished. For reasons no one fully understands, Urekas seems to be the central figure bringing everyone together. (Played by Chelsea Burns) Ruffort / Calumn Professor Vafrus is playing - [Cast and Credits](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/cast-and-credits/) - Cast Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas. Find her on Instagram @chelseacomedy. Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg. Follow him on Instagram @chrisgrumbles, but its just one picture of his cat’s eye and a drinking bird sipping a cocktail. Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena (and Justice). Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort. Check - [Contact](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/contact/) - You can contact us at coffeecultsandempires [at] gmail [dot] com. Join our Patreon! ## Categories - [Uncategorized](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/category/uncategorized/) - [Episodes](https://www.coffeecultsandempires.com/category/episodes/) - Episodes of the podcast